Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
You Might Also Like
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
This line from Airplane.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”