Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Legend 🤣🤣