My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
OH. COME. ON.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
new shirt idea
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”