Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.