“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.