if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”