I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it