Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?