It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.