The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.