A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You Might Also Like
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Anyone want a chair?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.