[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
You Might Also Like
the worm is coming from inside the brain
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.