I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.