Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
You Might Also Like
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.