I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Think I pulled my liver
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out