it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.