[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
describing stardew valley
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*