step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
12653.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]