I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Pringles
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”