This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Think I pulled my liver
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
sigh
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old