When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.