Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I think this should do it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.