Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
worst…sale…ever
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me hitting on a model
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.