Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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new career option?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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