My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.