My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Hot Hot Hot
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
A completely valid reaction tbh
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
the best thing i’ve ever made
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.