Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You Might Also Like
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The biggest mystery of our time
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons