maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.