roman lesbians: *caesaring*
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.