“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
bias laundering edition
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.