I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.