A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants