Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.