Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
i hate you platonically
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?