News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
need a new bf mines broken 😐
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no