IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
#Caturday
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?