Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: