Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.