“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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are they though??
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?