[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.