I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
channeling her this year
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
the battle rages on
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading