My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.