*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.