*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Cucumbers Anonymous
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”