My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Only Americans understand
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”