Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.