Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…