INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?