[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.