Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Terribly Tuesday.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.